Monday, January 24, 2005

To the "skeptic" at the autism recovery support site

I certainly did not mean to start anything. It is a new concept to us too. We knew she was doing tremendously better, and we knew what we petitioned the Lord for, but we were also in a place of acceptance of His will for her too.
I also see both sides of almost every situation and you're right, it can be a blessing and a curse. Obviously we are thrilled with her "recovery." Am I dancing up and down the halls at BI (the treatment center) with the news? No. It breaks my heart everytime a parent who has been in the trenches longer and fights just as hard grabs my arm and pleadingly asks, "What else are ya'll doing?" It really does. I tear up thinking about their faces, and their childrens' faces. I would never intentionally wound someone by directly or in a back-handed way, blaming them for their child's less profound remediation. How cruel. And I am not comfortable with the emphatic way a lot of parents I encountered early in this journey insisted I do one thing or another. I determined early on I would not do anyone that way.
We do not know why some children respond more quickly or to a greater degree than others. It is a mysterious and bewildering disorder in that way. I hope that eventually the answers will be found. I wish the money was there for every person on the spectrum to access any intervention that they seek. I know how hard it has been for us to make decisions for our girls based on resources rather than what therapies might truly serve them best.
All of that said though, like the author of the piece about recovery on this website, should I not talk about what has happend for us because it won't happen for everyone? As hard as it is for me to think about hurting someone, I do not think not acknowleging this great work in our lives is what I am supposed to do either. So, what is a compassionate but passioate person to do? My prayer has been and still is for God to use this, my life, Abby's "recovery," for His purposes.
I have had many crisis' of faith throughtout this. More recently than in the beginning. When we realized Abby's twin was not quite as "NT" as we had originally believed, no matter how much I needed that to be the case, it hit me like a ton of bricks:
I can't fix these children. I can't. I never could. They are not mine to fix.
Believe me, I have been plenty sad and hurt and out and out upset with God, frankly. So this recent revelation is huge to me and I do not take it lightly or the responsibility I feel to being used by God however he sees fit to use me.
I do not believe that Abby is "all better now." We will carry the war wounds always and her "trick knee" is bound to act up. In fact just this morning when she was having a wing-ding before school over some trivial thing I thought, "Well if anyone had the spycams on in here right now they'd say, 'This is a 24 on the CARS? THIS is recovered?' "
Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I apologize if I ruffled any feathers. I am not one to rabble rouse as a general rule. So I'll just start over:
Hi, my name is Susan and my daughter formerly tested high-moderate to severe on the CARS. A few days ago after an exhausting year of intensive therapy of all sorts, we learned that she is scoring in the non-autistic range on that particular test, as well as the Vineland assesment. I am glad that I found ya'll and look forward to getting to know you all.


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