Saturday, October 01, 2005

Top Ten Things About Being Autistic

What? A funny here in Holland?
Be sure to read the disclaimer....

Top Ten Things About Being Autistic
From our home office in a place that exists only in my mind, here is today's top ten list.

10. No need to keep your lies straight.

9. None of that pesky peer pressure.

8. No irritating fluctuations in pitch when you speak.

7. No need to wait for bad news to get stressed out. Why procrastinate?

6. Greatly reduced odds of bad dates when you can't get members of the opposite sex to acknowledge your presence.

5. Ability to hear bad news and not realize you are supposed to be sad. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

4. Fewer friends means less Christmas shopping.

3. Harder for other players to read your face when you are playing poker.

2. If you are ever in a swarm of flies, the swatting-at-the-air motion will be second nature.

1. You never notice the dirty looks other people are giving you; that would mean looking them in the eye.

Disclaimer: This is humor, folks. If it offends you, I'm sorry. Well, OK, you are right; I am not really sorry... but then that really depends on the meaning of the word sorry, right? I am not sorry, in that I am now laden with sorrow and remorse... how could I be? You just read this a second ago, so you could not have sent me hate mail yet, so it is obvious that I do not even know that you are offended just yet. So perhaps what I should say is this. No one likes autistic people more than me, so if you are going to send me a letter about how hard it is, or what great people they are, or how I am doing a disservice by denigrating them with my attempts at humor, you might as well send it to /dev/null. Ok, ok, maybe no one uses that computer geek expression anymore, but I've never been on the cutting edge of coolness, to say the least. Anyway, I like autistic people, especially since I live with one of them (wait, I thought I lived alone. Oh yes, I do, that's right.) Remember that Jews can poke fun at other Jews, blacks can poke fun of other blacks... why should we not have the same rights as them? This is, after all, an advocacy site, or at least that is what is written on the index page. So maybe that is my angle... by doing this top ten list, I am asserting the autistic person's right to make fun of his own kind, just as all the other minorities can. Yes, that's right, other minorities. We're only one in two hundred; I would call that a minority, wouldn't you? Speak up, I can't hear you. Maybe if you pick up the mouse and say "computer" first, like Scotty in that one Star Trek movie, I will be able to hear you. Or maybe not, but you will never know until you try. I'll wait; go ahead. Ok, so I guess that does not work. Well, you could always try telepathy. If I get a telepathic message, I will assume it is yours. Please leave a telepathic message after the tone and I will get back to you when I am finished perseverating on something. Yeah, right, that's really likely. Might as well wait for a glacier to come by so you can ride on it. Hey, did you ever notice that 'glacier' sounds a lot like 'glazier,' which would be the guy that puts new glass in windows? What is the connection between them? Well, I'll have to analyze that one another time; right now I am hard at work writing a disclaimer. What is a disclaimer, anyway? Well, my son... ok, so maybe you are not my son... maybe you are my daughter. Anyway, a disclaimer is a weaselly kind of note that essentially says that what you just read does not say what it says. Don't you just love those annoying little things? I know I do. I saw one on the Simpsons after an Itchy and Scratchy episode. It said, "This cartoon contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children," or something like that. Funny, eh? Well that's humor. And that is what we are talking about, right? Humor. The stuff inside your eyeballs is called vitreous humor, but that's not the same thing. Trust me. Why should you trust me? I don't know. Why should I trust you? Huh? Huh? Trust is a funny thing, isn't it? Ok, it is not literally funny, in the sense that trusting people would make you laugh. Yes, laughter. I love laughter. I even try to provoke it sometimes. For example, today I posted a humorous thing on my web site. I called it "Top Ten Things About Being Autistic." Yes, I know that Dave Letterman's Worldwide Pants may take issue with my use of the top ten list concept. Well, he'd have to be a real butt-head to attack an autistic guy for putting something on his advocacy site. Speaking of that, am I the only one that thinks that Beavis and Butt-head was funnier than King of the Hill? I mean, if you want funny cartoons, you need not look beyond the Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy, and South Park. Underwear gnomes... that is classic stuff. I also liked Two Stupid Dogs and Ren and Stimpy, back in the John K. days. Of course, there is no denying the ageless appeal of Wile E. Coyote falling off of that same cliff a hundred times. I think Wile E. Coyote might actually be on the autistic spectrum himself. He perseverates on catching that stupid roadrunner... it is all he seems to think about. He's highly intelligent, I mean what other kind of coyote can build a hundred foot tall metal robotic replica of himself? I see coyotes around here all the time; this is the desert Southwest, after all, and not one of them has even had a rocket strapped to his back while he wore roller skates. Despite Wile E's intelligence, he always seems to come up short in common sense. Sounds like someone else you know? Yeah, me too. So anyway, if you think that somehow this little top ten list is going to hurt autistic people, I say you need to lighten up. No, I do not know if you need to go on a diet; I was speaking figuratively. Yes, I can do that too. Will the wonders never cease? Face it, this page is not going to hurt anyone. To get here, unless you went throuh a search engine that hooked you right in here directly, you had to go through my front page, which lists my articles fairly brimming over with my wisdom and my pro-autistic stance. This is just comic relief, nothing more. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we're not mentally in good shape. A circle is a good shape, because that is the shape of pizza pies, and all sorts of other pies. I love hot pumpkin pie buried under a mound of Cool Whip. Mmm. Sometimes I would eat Cool-Whip from the bowl, as if it were pudding. I also used to eat ready to bake cookie dough from the store. Speaking of dough, have you noticed that dough is slang for money... and if you bake dough, you sometimes get bread, which is also slang for money. However, sandwich, which is the next step on the bread chain, is not slang for money. If a bank robber burst into the bank and demanded all the sandwich, people might be puzzled. Rubik's cube was a puzzle, but no one would give one to the robber demanding a sandwich. These things used to be everywhere, and now they are all gone. What happened to yours? I left mine in my mother's house when I moved out when I was eighteen (XVIII). That will be of no consolation to the hapless burglar that breaks into my house looking for sandwich. Even if he wanted an actual sandwich, he would probably not be happy breaking in here. He might find some Top Ramen, but probably not anything resembling either a sandwich or a Rubik's cube. I don't even have sugar cubes, which are for horses, but I do have a box of sugar. C and H pure cane sugar, that's the one. One was a song by Metallica on their last album that sounded like them, which was ...And Justice For All. That was a great album, even if they didn't write Jason Newsted any bass parts. No, that is not bass, rhyming with glass, that is bass, which sounds like base. He plays a guitar, not a fish. Could you see him up there on stage, strumming a big old fish? It would be funny to see him smash it into the stage after the show. That never was Metallica' s style though, before they became activists for the poor underpaid record companies, and had to go get rid of Napster. Everyone has their issue. Mine is to promote aspie and autistic pride nnd to push for equal treatment. I suppose it lets you know where someone's priorities lie. Personally, I hate to lie... it's not the way I am wired. Really, though, I do not actually have wires in me, at least not in the sense of copper multistranded things with sheaths of PVC. I have neurons, though, and those act a lot like wires. I think it is possible that you may have neurons too. Yes, I am sure of it! A non-sequitur is a statement that does not follow from that which preceded it. My bank sends me statements, but I don't like to read them. They're boring. It's like reading the phone book... huge cast, no plot. By the way, free association can make your disclaimer longer than it actually needs to be.

I did not write this. I sure appreciate it though. Laugh out loud!


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