Tuesday, February 15, 2005

ya'll...I am just so tired




Jimmy came home yesterday and he was so rested and relaxed. He has not been well for a long time. He has Epstein-Barr and is always tired and rundown. I know I should feel bad for him, but frankly, it gets on my nerves sometimes. He is only off that one day/week and it is usually spent in bed with me trying to keep the girls away from him and quiet. Anyway, it was great to see him feeling so well. I really wanted to be sexy and wifey and stuff, but instead I just lost it. Ya'll, I am so tired. The last year and half (and really, since the girls were born) has been too much. Ya'll are all too familiar with our schedule, so I won't pound that into you again, but there is so much more to it than that. Everyday is so busy, so fraught with emotions and grief. Physically draining. Intellectually exhausting. Just everything. I fall so far short of what I think motherhood, a good wife/homemaker, friend, and Christian should be. Yesterday, I just started crying and could not stop. I could start again now. The grind began catching up to me around December and I cannot seem to get re-energized. I would give anything to quit my business, but even though our expenses have been slightly reduced since Emma Jean is enrolled in ABA only p/t and Abby has been released, we still need to come up with a lot of money every month for therapies.
Yesterday when Jimmy said, "No one has any idea what the last year has been like for us. No one could even imagine how hard it has been." The floodgate just opened and I just began weeping and weeping. I think I needed permission to really cry and really talk about how I feel. It's like I felt like I couldn't show him how exhausted I am, how much I need him, need a break. There is so much that is so hard everyday and no one can help us. Everyday begins with me feeling behind and is jammed with a hundred deadlines: from getting my clients' food out the door onetime and opening the twenty or so capsules and mixing up the daily concoction for Abby and now Beans too to then wrestling (and I do mean wrestling) that mixture into Abby and administering the injections or chelation. It is a battle every step of the way. Then it is just hurry, hurry the rest of the day. Traffic... omgosh. All those hours in the car listening to irritating children's music, refereeing (sp?), the in and out of the car, talking to therapist after therapist. Picking Beans up and dusting her off because she fell down AGAIN (I know it seems small, but ya'll have no idea how many times she falls down in the course of a day...dyspraxia...:: ). Then there is the cooking and not just for clients, that is one thing. It is Abby's dietary requirements on top of everything else. OMGOSH!!!!!. Heaven forbid there is a single convenience food that she can eat besides fritos. We spend so much time in the car and I have to plan for every little detail. God forbid we could eat a stinkin' french fry.
We have so much to be grateful and I am, I really am. But I am tired of reporting how grateful and blessed we are. I am just tired. I feel like I could just explode. I feel like I could start punching a punching bag and never stop. I can barely revel in our victories because there is always so much to do and I am so road weary from the hours, days, weeks, months, and years before. I long for quiet. I yearn to hold my children and stroke their faces. There is never enough time to enjoy them and we have worked so hard to be able to have moments like that. We never had them before. Abby wouldn't be held and there were always so many tantrums that I had to try to either prevent (impossible) or help somone out of, that just cuddling for cuddling's sake has rarely been an option. I see them growing up and this sweet time (now that we actually have sweet moments) is just disappearing before my eyes.
I am sorry to go on and on. I just have to "get all this out." I feel like I have no respite.
Anyway, I am really thankful for Jimmy. I was thanking God for him last night before I fell asleep and during the all night affair that passes for "sleep" around here (they are up so much throughout the night). I need him and I needed to be reminded and reassured that I was not in this alone and that he was a big enough man to handle my weakness.
God only knows where we would be without thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for reading. Emma Jean just woke up and needs to be held. I guess I'll go enjoy my one hour a day of "alone time" with her. LOL. It will be okay.
Everything will be okay.

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