Friday, February 10, 2006

surprised by grief

Do you know what I mean? We are going along, all is well or some facsimile there of, and then boom! There it is. My old and unwelcome riding companion, grief. Ugh.
Grief pulled a drive-by today. It has left an open wound.
Not as big as it used to be and certainly not as deep, but it still stings and makes me cry.
I am making a proclamation that flies in the face of those tired sayings people like to trot out when they don't know what else to say.
Time does NOT heal all wounds.
There I said it. Time and its so called medical expertise can kiss my fanny.
Today the director of the lower school that we are applying to for the girls' next year called. She told me how much she appreciated the forthcoming and informative essay I wrote about the girls for their application. In addition to testing and a in-home interview, the school requires each parent's testimony and an essay detailing (their word) why we chose their school. Oh, they also have us read the Dorothy Sayer essay so we can discuss the principles she addresses at some later date, presumeably the interview. Anyway, it turns out this director's background is in Speech Therapy and she even worked for EI for some time. Her daughter is an OT whose "passion" (emphasis hers) is autism. She explained her postion that while she has special training in these areas, her teachers do not. I counter explained that we do not expect anything of the sort and if we thought the girls needed special expertise then we would not waste our time or theirs by applying to the school. Or the $300 plus for the whole application process, but I didn't say that part of course. Anyway, to make a long story shorter, she wants to
a) come along to the in-home interview scheduled for next week and
b) observe them in some kind of academic or social type enviornment with peers.
I told her that I would call their consultative therapist at BI to see what we could set up. Here is where the drive by occurred. She went on to explain that while she wants to give our girls every opportunity to be accepted and be a part of the school, she alone does not make the decision that there is an entire board that she will need to (and here's the arrow) "convince." And in order to do that, she needs to be armed with as accurate information and profile of the girls that she can present. I am confident that her confidence in their ability to perform in a typical classroom will either be the deal maker or the deal breaker. She could just prove to be their best advocate.
I maintained my composure and totally heard what she was saying, but when we got off the phone my heart broke into a thousand little pieces all over again. It grieves me to think about anyone needing to be convinced to accept my girls. That they should have any kind of special need that would demand "convincing" as a result of it. I can't really articulate it well, but it just hurts. It reminds me that we have not been playing in the same sandbox as everyone else all this time and I hate it. Not for me so much as for them. I don't expect things to be easy, but maybe just not quite so hard.
Anyway, Lori called me this evening, well after school hours, and I gave her the low-down and permission to speak with the Lower School director. I told her that she and the director could set up whatever they saw fit and that all they needed to do was tell me when and where to show up with the girls. I am so thankful for the people at BI. Thank you GOD for Lori! After I relayed the conversation the first thing she asked me was, "She hasn't met the girls yet has she?" She went on to explain that every time they have been in the process of transitioning a kid into a school program, the teachers involved are only worried because they have a preconceived notion, no matter their experience or lack there of with ASD. I got the feeling from listening to the director that she was concerned about disruptive behaviors, which mercifully the girls do not practice, at least not beyond the kind of getting carried away by a fit of giggles or talking when they shouldn't that the average new student might get caught up in. Praise God for His grace and mercy. So things stand for now. I feel a little bit better after bathing myself in the praise music all day and occupying myself by doing for others in need. That really helped. I prayed a lot too, for peace, for relief, for comfort.
His will be done.
That's the news from the front.
Stay tuned.
Sara Groves' "What I Thought I Wanted" fit the theme of the day so I'll close with her lyrics:

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken and grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted

Staring in the water like Aesops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I’m broken and grateful
I want to be broken and grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful


Blogger Trisha said...

Oh, Susan. My heart goes out to you. I don't have any idea what you're going through, really, but my heart breaks every time you run into something like this. I love you, my firend, and i will continue to pray for you, Jimmy, and the girls.

9:24:00 AM  
Blogger m. said...

Susan, thank you so much for leaving a comment on my site. I always wonder what people are thinking about my writing. But most importantly I wanted to tell you that I think that you are brave woman and a beautiful mother. What a blessing that your girls have by being your daughters. I will pray for you and our daughters.

again, thank you for the comment. If you can feel free to visit and of course

11:17:00 PM  

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